Personality Conflicts


We often hear workplace communication issues referred to as “personality conflicts,” yet that term seems to imply both permanence and blame. Your personality is who you are, and your behavior is how you act. You may have a winning personality; when you are having a bad day (or experiencing an unmet need), it is your behavior that changes, not your personality.

Your observable behavior—the how of your style—was learned, and can be unlearned; the negative styles we see in others and in ourselves are both temporary and blameless (yet not without responsibility and accountability).

Have you ever had someone tell you that you were rough, blunt, or rude, when you thought you were being concise and direct? If so, you were on the receiving end of the gap between the intent of your statement (encoding) and the receiver’s understanding of your statement (decoding), a common problem in the five-step verbal communication process. In general, we follow this format:

  1. The sender gets an idea.

  2. The sender formulates the idea into a statement (encoding).

  3. The idea is sent to the receiver.

  4. The receiver accepts the message (decoding).

  5. The receiver sends feedback to the sender.

This simple communication system becomes complicated when we consider the encoding and decoding process, especially the filters (or lenses) that we use when we communicate with one another, including

  • Differing frames of reference

  • Listening skills

  • Personal problems

  • Work-related stress

  • Anger, fear, or frustration

  • Fatigue

  • Urgency (yours or theirs)

  • Lack of trust

  • Competition for power, status, rewards (ego)

  • Turf issues

Given these filters, or any one of a thousand others, it is easy to see how our communications with one another can be tricky.

In addition to the filters we use, the personal values we hold, and the technical skills we have learned, we all have core behavioral strengths. In his book The Emotions of Normal People (published in 1928), Dr. William Marston defined a theory suggesting that people can be observed to have one of four basic styles: dominant, influential, steady, or conforming. Marston found that people have behavioral tendencies involving each of the four styles, but that they generally display strength on only one style, and each individual has communication preferences based on this core area of strength:

A person with a dominant style prefers concise, specific, brief, and organized communication, and is irritated by indecision, disorganization, and generalized discussions.

A person with an influential style prefers warm, lengthy discussions involving personal factors, and is annoyed by cold, distant lectures.

A person with a steady style prefers a collaborative approach, wishes to be asked questions to draw her or him into a conversation, and is frustrated by being pushed for a quick decision or by a lack of cooperation.

A person with a conforming style prefers to discuss facts and data, wishes to ask many “why” questions, and is stressed by ad hoc, loud, disorganized discussions with people who don’t have enough information to prove their point.

Using Marston’s theory, a typical meeting between a person with an influential style (a warm and fuzzy, unstructured talker) and a person with a conforming style (a logical, data-focused analyzer) is problematic before either party opens his or her mouth! Under this theory, to a change-resistant person with a steady style, a strong-willed person with a dominant style who needs commitment and closure will sound like a bully. This means that, without a road map on encoding, decoding, filters, and basic communication styles and preferences, we’d better fasten our seatbelts for a very bumpy ride.

Who, Me?

Communication with coworkers is a journey through a jungle of needs, values, filters, styles, and generational diversity—to say nothing of gender differences, cultural diversity, and corporate philosophy—so it is little wonder that some workplace relationships are not productive. The following examples of cranky coworkers, along with discussions of how to deal with them, will give you a chance to look for the lesson while building bridges (and your reputation).

The Critic This person questions your logic, finds flaws with your arguments, shoots down your suggestions, and tends to be uncompromising in his or her approach to work and relationships. The good news is that critics can often find problems that have been overlooked by others—the bad news is that they will rarely take the action necessary to resolve the problems they find. An intense worker, even when the situation doesn’t warrant it, the critic seems to operate from a platform of scarcity: Nothing is adequate, nothing is good enough.

The Solution When Dealing with a Critic It may be natural to defend yourself against a critic’s complaints, especially in a meeting, but you should make an effort to separate yourself from your ideas, considering any criticism to be about the idea, not about you. Make sure you understand exactly what the critic has identified as a problem, and paraphrase it back to the critic. This way, you let the critic know that he or she has been heard (a key component in shutting off the criticism).

Be diplomatic and respectful. If you can, find something in the critic’s point of view that you can agree with, and then guide the conversation away from the criticism. This way, you control the content of the conversation, without making the complainer or critic “wrong.”

If You’re the Critic Work to build your confidence level, and let your head and your heart talk to each other. Learn how to shut off the perfectionist in you while maintaining your quality orientation, and learn to be more accepting of others’ ideas and beliefs.

The Bulldozer This individual runs roughshod over his or her colleagues. This style is often closely tied to the need to be right (and the fear of being wrong). This individual tends to make decisions before weighing (or hearing) the facts, may be described by subordinates as a bully, and may show that he or she sees things in black/white or win/lose terms. It is typical for the Bulldozer to be insecure, lacking in self-awareness, and oblivious to the feelings and reactions of others.

The Solution When Dealing with a Bulldozer Do not fight back, and do not lose your temper. Set strong boundaries, and enforce them, but do so only when there is no tension around the situation—and make sure that the person knows that this behavior does not work for you.

If You’re the Bulldozer It’s time to ratchet it down a couple of notches. An ego (sense of self-worth) is a great thing to have—but if you want to be a great communicator, check it at the door. Soften your approach, lessen the opinions, and be aware of a tendency to speak over others or to be blunt (translation: offensive). A good coach can help you become more careful with details, more consistent with decisions, and more patient and concerned with your coworkers—and yourself.

The Quiet Type This individual is typically silent in meetings, speaks only when spoken to, and will withdraw rather than contribute feedback. Highly introverted, the QT coworker may be frustrating because you don’t know how to “read” him or her, and he or she may not tell you even when asked. It’s not that QTs don’t feel emotion; it’s that they don’t display it. Here’s a typical conversation between a QT and a coworker:

Question from Coworker: “I hear your cat died yesterday; how are you feeling?”

Response from QT (monotone): “Oh, fine.”

Question from Coworker: “I hear you just won $400 million in the lottery; how are you feeling?”

Response from QT (monotone): “Oh, fine.”

The Solution When Dealing with a QT To draw out a QT, ask open-ended questions, preferably starting with “what,” “how,” or “why.” Then be silent, allowing the QT time to formulate an answer. If the QT doesn’t respond, give some help: QTs are typically shy and need time to process information.

If You Are a Quiet Type If you find that you have QT qualities, work to become more assertive and decisive, and while you naturally find comfort in sameness, learn to rely less on the routine. Focus on your strengths and your values; learn to be comfortable with risk and change (see “The C-Word: Change” in Chapter 5). Learn the skill of shameless self-promotion (see Chapter 8), and learn to participate in discussions without fear of the unknown, of conflict, or of being disliked.

The Accommodator This person is a hard worker, is sociable, and is people-oriented—so much so that she or he finds it difficult to actually say the word no. This “disease to please” leads to a pattern of overpromising and underdelivering, along with a reputation for unreliability.

For Accommodators, saying, “No, I won’t have time to help you with your project this week” is indistinguishable from saying, “No, I won’t help you because I don’t care about you or your project. I’m selfish, and I’m not a team player.” Accommodators end up being victims of their own behavior by overextending themselves in an effort to be helpful.

The Solution When Dealing with an Accommodator Help the Accommodator by talking over and analyzing pending projects, looking for potential roadblocks in advance. Then agree on deadlines, and ask the Accommodator how often he or she would like to check in in order to stay on track. Give the Accommodator an opportunity to say no, or to shuffle priorities with your assistance.

If You Are the Accommodator Learn how to say no. Try these “no” phrases on for size:

  • Just say no: “No, I’m unable to help you out this time.” Period.

  • The genteel no: To express your appreciation for having been asked, you might say, “I appreciate your asking me, but I’m not able to do it.”

  • The “I’m sorry” no: “I’m sorry, I am so busy right now, I’ll have to say no.”

  • The “but I know someone who will” no: “I don’t have the time to help you, but let me recommend someone else I know.”

  • The “reprioritize” no: “You’ve asked me to complete several top-priority projects by Friday—which of these is most urgent for you, and which can wait until next week?”

The Thief The Thief is always on the lookout for opinions and ideas that can be liberated, renamed, and presented as original work. Victims of thieves find themselves astounded when they hear from their colleagues or bosses that their very own ideas were “inspired recommendations” created by the Thief. Thievery can also occur with written projects, articles from your office—and even your lunch.

During the turmoil of joining two disparate workplaces into one, Gwen, an HR director, found that there was a lunchtime bandit in the office. The bandit, who was never caught, would go to the lunchroom in mid-morning and take one bite out of a sandwich, or one scoop out of a container of yogurt, or one bite out of an apple, and return the uneaten portion from whence it came. This bandit took enough bites here and there to have an entire meal! When the employees arrived in the lunchroom to eat, they were surprised and disgusted by finding a partially eaten lunch.

The Solution When Dealing with a Thief Once burned, as the saying goes. If you have experienced the loss of an idea or a report—or a lunch—at the hands of a Thief, learn from the experience. Simply complaining that “someone stole my idea” won’t win you any respect. While it is never good to get into an argumentative “you stole from me” discussion, it’s important that you hold a discussion with the Thief to let him or her know that you understand what happened, and that you won’t let it happen again. Going forward, limit your discussions with the Thief to neutral and insignificant topics (and keep your lunch in your desk).

If You Are the Thief It’s time to do an integrity check. Integrity is a blend of soundness, incorruptibility, and, in this case, honesty. If you are not reliable and dependable, if you do not honor a sense of what is right, and if you deceive or lie (including lying to yourself), your integrity is unbalanced and needs improvement. You can work on rebuilding integrity with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach, but you need to develop your personal foundation in order to enhance your standards of behavior.

The Backstabber This individual believes that workplace rewards can be achieved only by discrediting others. Like a spoiled child running to a parent to tattle, the Backstabber offers tidbits about everything from your work habits to your personal life—and they may be twisted versions of the truth or outright lies.

The Solution When Dealing with a Backstabber Take a helicopter view of the Backstabber’s behavior (this is difficult)—do not take it personally. When Backstabbers share their point of view in the form of gossip, they are expressing their fears, insecurities, and self-doubt. Once you allow their negative (and often inaccurate) words to touch your own fears about yourself, you are choosing to operate from a position of defense, timidity, and anxiety—not a good way to move forward in your career or your life. If you have fears or doubts about yourself, acknowledge them, and make a conscious decision not to act on them when dealing with the Backstabber. You can enforce a boundary around the Backstabber, and then handle any fear or doubt in a healthy environment outside of the workplace.

Although you may be tempted, avoid revenge at all costs—revenge (the spreading of negative rumors about the Backstabber) will only serve to diminish your reputation. If you retaliate, people will not remember who started the mud-slinging; they’ll only remember that both you and the Backstabber were immature, nasty, and untrustworthy.

If You Are the Backstabber This is another example of integrity gone awry. Review your needs from Chapter 1. What is missing for you? Identify your needs, upgrade your standards, and enforce boundaries around behavior that is uncomfortable for you. Watch your tendency to run on adrenaline, and learn to say about someone only those things that you would say directly to his or her face.

The Control Freak This individual insists that everything be done his or her way. The Control Freak will question, complain, and watch very closely to ensure that every task is completed exactly the way the Control Freak would have done it. Control Freaks see themselves as protecting the team from mistakes, yet they are seen as being intense, demanding, relentless, and impossible to please.

The Solution When Dealing with a CF Accusing the Control Freak of CF behavior will only agitate the situation, allowing the argument to become one of who is right, rather than what is right. The answer to working with Control Freaks lies in cooperation and negotiation rather than in finger pointing. If you work for or with a CF on projects, always set goals that can be measured. As a way to eliminate any hovering or surprise check-ups, agree that you will send each other updates on the progress of your project as appropriate. Since the CF is fearful that you will not do what you say you are going to do, help her or him to relax by letting her or him know that you are on target.

If you work with a CF, but do not share project work, the best way to handle the CF’s behavior is to talk it out. Without blame, let the CF know that you understand the concern for quantity, urgency, and excellence. Also, ask what you can do to show the CF that you are reliable and dependable, and not in need of a “watcher.” Your CF may be dealing with a fear of being wrong, of failure, or of being out of control in other areas of his or her life, so your reassurance that you are consistent and trustworthy will help the CF move away from you and on to other issues.

If You Are the Control Freak If you find yourself watching and nitpicking others’ work, you may be a Control Freak. If that is you, ask yourself what you need in order to trust the people you work with, and set a strategy for changing your behavior. If you normally hover over others each day and criticize them, take it one day at a time. Your mantra can be, “Just for today, I’ll not hover, inspect, or criticize anyone.” Then every time you catch yourself breaking your own rule, write it down: What happened just before you acted to control, and why did it require your attention? At the end of the day, count how many control encounters you had that were unnecessary, or the pattern of issues over which you felt the need to control. If you find you’re having trouble shutting down the CF feature, you may want to work with a therapist to identify and heal whatever is in your way.




How to Shine at Work
How to Shine at Work
ISBN: 0071408657
EAN: 2147483647
Year: 2006
Pages: 132

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