Chapter 7: Relationships the 8020 Way

Overview

Each person kills the thing they love
Throughout the modern world,
Money and work both count above
Loved ones, who come in third.

Modern parody of Oscar Wilde

The project was going brilliantly. From absolutely nothing, the developer had created paradise on earth: a cornucopia of lush gardens, flowing streams, palm trees, trees of every imaginable fruit, exotic birds, dogs, cats, horses, donkeys, even a troop of tame monkeys . Multicolored mountains framed the garden. In the distance, Adam could glimpse blue sea. After taking possession, he meandered through the grounds, greeting the animals, giving them names , tasting the fruit, alternating between the warm sunshine and the shade of the trees. For the first time in his life, he felt totally secure, relaxed , and happy. He had made it.

The developer popped round for a cup of coffee the next morning. Do you like it? he asked. Yes, Adam said, it s fabulous. You really have done a fantastic job. The villa and the courtyard are perfect. The gardens are gorgeous. Yet, I have the feeling that something s missing. Can t quite put my finger on it though.

Ah, said the developer. I was thinking about it last night. You re absolutely correct and I can put it right.

What do you have in mind? Adam asked. How about, the developer said, someone to love?

Or the twenty-first-century version

The Lord God had planted a garden in Eden and there he put the man he had formed . A river watering the garden flowed from Eden. The Lord God put the man in the garden, to take care of it. And the Lord God said, You will rule over the fish and the birds and every living creature, and be responsible for looking after them all, for your benefit, and you may eat them, provided that they continue to grow and multiply.

God saw all that he had made and it was very good. And the man agreed.

The next day, the Lord God said to the man, It is not good for you to be alone. I will make a woman so that you can love her, have a family, and enjoy living together and raising children.

But the man said to the Lord God, Make up your mind, O Lord. First you tell me I must be responsible for gardening , and animal husbandry, and for restocking the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, and for our general environmental policy, as well as my own hunting, fishing , and cooking. All that s a full-time job. Don t get me wrong. I love my work, it s very rewarding , and the garden is idyllic. But how do you expect me to have time for all this stuff about love and family and relationships? I can see it all getting too complicated. Let s keep it just you and me ” and all the birds of the air and etcetera ” right?

And the Lord God scratched his head, and wondered what the world had come to.

There s only one happiness in life, wrote George Sand, to love and be loved.

Carl Gustav Jung, the great psychologist , said, We need other people to be truly ourselves . We make sense of life through relationships.

But here s the twist. Modern life is making it more and more difficult to find, nurture, and sustain love and relationships. Perhaps without realizing it, certainly without resisting it, most of us are opting for a higher quantity of lower-quality relationships. We have more relationships, but they mean less. And our romantic relationship is ever more endangered or elusive .

We all know that urgent work obligations and modern technology such as personal computers, emails, and cellular phones are eating into family life. The trend is most pronounced in the United States. Twenty years ago, half of all married Americans claimed that our whole family usually eats together ; now that proportion is down to a third. More women are working, fewer people are married, married people have fewer children, the number of unmarried mothers has increased, our desire for large families has slumped, divorce rates have climbed, and the time that parents and children spend together has plummeted.

The trends reflect increased economic pressures and the insidious prevalence of monetary concerns. Like all other fixed costs, families ” and the number of children in them ” are being downsized.

Following the business trend, more and more families are outsourcing more and more activities ” babysitting , childminding, food preparation, cooking, cleaning, gardening, organizing kids birthday parties, care of the sick and elderly ” that were previously knit into the fabric of family relationships.

More families need two workers to sustain their living standards. For those in the fast lane, work for both partners is more demanding and difficult to square with traditional family responsibilities.

Bob and Jane

Meet my good friends , Bob and Jane. Both fun people, they lead a hectic lifestyle, globetrotting for work. When I met them, they had two delightful girls ” Emma, 9, and Anne, 11 ” a decorous if demanding dog, and two large houses . Both helped to run the household. Most friends were friends of both Jane and Bob. When Jane had a project in Brazil for three months, she took the children, and Bob visited for a week s holiday and odd weekends. It seemed to work, but I became concerned about the stress imposed by different demands on their time. Might they drift apart?

Eight years later they are divorced ” still friends, but bruised and regretful. Are they happier apart? I doubt it. They had a great relationship, supporting each other and their children. Could it have been different?

I can t be sure. But I suspect that with less intense work pressures ” in the 1960s, or if they had followed the 80/20 Way today ” they would have stuck together, and at least four people would have been happier.