Owning Blame

The tendency to avoid blame is pretty strong in most of us. After all, we are on pretty shaky ground. Our lives are full of stress, we are constantly asked to change, we are being judged by others incessantly, we have insecurities weve been wrestling with since childhood, its very hard to make a living in the modern economywhy would we ever want to stop what were doing and say, ˜˜Go ahead, make it worse ? Victim thinking is very tempting. Resisting the temptation takes courage.

Most arguments are struggles for responsibility. When you fight with colleagues, you are probably trying to get them to take responsibility. They, on the other hand, want you to take responsibility. If the argument is something that has yet to happen, it is about assuming accountability for a task. If it is about something that has already happened , it is about finding someone to blame.

The way out of this vicious circle is to learn to own blame. What does it mean to own blame?

I think of playing army when I was a kid. If somebody shot me, he would yell, ˜˜I got youyoure dead. If I accepted his claim, I had to make a dramatic fall and then was out of the game for a while. It was an undesirable outcome (unless I wanted to go home anyway). But it was not necessary to accept the claim. An option was to argue, ˜˜No way! You couldnt have got me. I was still behind the tree! If you said it at the right volume and with enough certainty , the bullet might be dodged.

Owning blame means taking the bullet. Why dont people take bullets? Well, obviously, bullets hurt. Also, when people work in an environment where no one takes the blame, why be the only one who does?

Once again we go back to childhood. When we are feeling insecure as kids and somebody says we are flawed, we feel even more insecure. Criticism and blame remind us of feeling small. They invalidate us. Rather than strengthening us, they tend to move us closer to what we fear: total insecurity. On the other hand, if we have lots of security, if we trust that we are loved by someone unconditionally, if our self-esteem is high and we have the beliefs that we are able and worthy, then criticism is less penetrating . Were less likely to take the victim route.

Victims do tend to have lower self-esteem. With low self-esteem comes the sometimes hidden belief ˜˜I am not okay. When the question of blame arises, there is an instantaneous, habituated response: ˜˜I mustnt let that init will make me even less okay.