Accepting Responsibility and Self-Forgiveness

A client named Marianna had the fake trait. Similar to Catherine and Roxanne, she held onto a deep fear that she wouldnt measure up. In one session, Marianna, who was a very successful salesperson, said that she was very angry that one of her regular customers had decided to go to bid with a large order, rather than just give the order to her. Apparently, the customer just wanted to test the market, to stay in touch with all the supplier possibilities.

I asked Marianna why she was so upset. ˜˜Well, she said, ˜˜that bitch was just sending me an underhanded signal that I better not take her business for granted. She knew very well how un-partnership-like it was to do that. I worked like a dog to win her business. And we have taken pretty good care of her. It was a really crabby thing to do. And Im angry as hell. She had no rightwell, she did have the rightbut it was totally insensitive to the kind of relationship weve built.

So I reminded her that owning responsibility for misfortune was very important. She got mad at me.

˜˜What in the world do you know about this situation? she said. ˜˜Are you suggesting that I am the cause of this woman s ignorance of professional protocol?

˜˜Well, lets try something, I said. ˜˜You blame her for some aspect of what happens, and then Ill ask you to own the responsibility for it instead. After you ˜own it, youll be tempted to say, ˜Yes, but she should have blah, blah, blah, but instead I want you to ˜own the fact that she didnt blah, blah, blah, or whatever.

What an interesting interaction! Heres how it went:

MARIANNA: Well she should have talked to me first!

ART: How can you own that she didnt talk to you about it be fore deciding?

MARIANNA: Well, I suppose I havent really been in touch a lot recently, but that doesnt excuse her from . . .

ART: Own it again.

MARIANNA: Well, I guess shes bitter because last time we talked, I was a little short with her, but you know, no matter how you cut it, you just dont do that in a partnership.

ART: That one, too, Mariannatake responsibility somehow for the fact that she stepped out of the traditional partnership role. How did you deserve it?

MARIANNA: Well, I am a little tired of her and I guess its been showing up lately. And we short shipped the last order, so shes probably disturbed about that, too. Okay, so now I feel terrible.

At that point, we had made progress. Marianna had moved from anger to a kind of sadness. She was beginning to own something. She was starting to see that she really didnt care about her customer. In fact, Mariannas not caring came before the customers putting the next piece of business out to bid. Now it was time for her to go all the way.

ART: Why are you sad?

MARIANNA: Because, well, I hate my job. Im tired of it. And, about that customer, I have been slack lately.

ART: Can you forgive yourself for being slack?

Initially her answer was ˜˜no. After all, she had moved from blaming the customer to blaming herself and feeling guilty as a result. Forgiveness is a bigger leap still.

So we pursued why she had apparently been so slack on the job. We uncovered that, deep down, whats really important to Marianna is her son. Thats her bigger picture. Thats her truth. When shes on the job, shes sort of pretending that shes a dynamo. That was her fakery.

Does this mean she should quit her job? No, it means that by acknowledging to herself that her job indeed comes second to her son, she will put her job into context. She wont have to hide.

This does not mean she will work less hard. It means she wont be conflicted. It doesnt mean she must declare to her boss and the rest of the world that work is really second in her life (that would be professional suicide). It means she does have to declare it to herself.