What s Behind Controlling?

Whats Behind Controlling?

Everyone is somewhere on the continuum of controlling. A handy way to see this is to consider psychologist Robert Ornsteins theory of deliberate versus liberate thinking styles. Controlling types tend to be more ˜˜ deliberate , while, on the other side of the midpoint on the scale, more relaxed , spontaneous people are ˜˜liberate.

You can see the extreme deliberate style in somebody who is compulsive about something. For example, a former client of mine is compulsive about washing his hands. After he touches almost anything outside of his home, he wants to wash his hands before he touches anything else. A little less extreme, but still on the deliberate side of the continuum, is someone who tends to be fairly regimented in her approach to things. This person likes things done in a certain way. A little closer to the middle, but still deliberate in style, is someone who simply likes to keep things organized or structured.

Three similar degrees of the liberate type could be described like this: Someone we might call ˜˜flaky (unpredictable and unreliable) would be at the extreme end, someone we might call ˜˜creative not as far over, and someone who is simply ˜˜interesting closer to the middle. The flaky person is the total opposite of someone compulsive, who is the extreme deliberate type.

The controlling personality would fit on the deliberate side, probably somewhere well away from the middle. Controllers dont just like structure; they like regimentation, predictability, and compliance.

Lets explore the act of controlling to get a better understanding of whats behind it. People control because they want something to happen. They are afraid that without their control, that thing wont happen. The question is, whats wrong with that? Why the fear?

I hear various answers to that question during coaching sessions. Some people say they dont want to lose what is theirs. Others say they might not be liked anymore. Many simply report that they wont be okay if they dont get what they want. That probably points to the heart of the matter. People associate control with being okay or safe. For all controllers, there is discomfort around not getting what they want. Behind the of controlling hides an unresolved feeling of not being okay and a fear of revisiting that feeling.

Many controllers will tell you that the thing they want control over simply needs to be controlled, given some goal. They will say theirs is the most efficient and effective means to the goal. ˜˜If you dont follow the instructions, the recipe wont turn out. But this defense rarely accounts for the motivation behind their controlling behavior. For conversations about control to be effective, they must point to a problematic pattern rather than an idiosyncratic event.

My experience is that there is always a pain behind the tendency to control excessively. The fear of not being okay does not arise out of the blue. Sometime in each controllers life there was a threat to being okay and the response to that threat was fear. A recurrence of that threat evokes the same response.

It probably was not a single occasion that put a controllers wellbeing in jeopardy. It was more likely a recurring scenario. Suzanne, the image-conscious woman , had a sister who always got more attention than she did. Her sister was thought to be better looking. Suzanne hated the feeling of being loved less. She compensated by working harder to gain peoples respect and validation. She became a controller of situations, such that she would always make things the way she thought would optimize the chance of validation from others. Controlling her image helped her cope, not only with her unresolved pain but also with situations that might make her revisit that pain.

Rick, the man who huffed and puffed when things werent going his way, traced his fear back to years of watching his father manage a small business. His father gave Rick affection when Rick behaved deliberately. This conditional love offering caused him pain. But he learned to satisfy the condition. His father positively reinforced Ricks style of getting things done. When Rick had things under control, Rick was treated with respect. Thats how he learned to earn his fathers validation. ˜˜Be the one dominating, not the victim of someone elses domination or of a teams inadequacy, was the message. He feared that he wouldnt be loved if he didnt control.

Notice that Rick and Suzanne used control to get what they needed: Rick needed to behave in a certain way in order to feel worthy, while Suzanne needed to gain the respect of others. But consider this very different but very common dynamic in controllers: Some people control not to get closer to what they seek, but to move away from, or block, what they dont want. In this scenario, fear still plays a key role.

Take Jim, for example. He is a medical doctor considered by his family, friends , patients , and coworkers to be a very controlling man. Its easy for a busy family practitioner to adopt a controlling style. Medicine demands compliance with established protocols, and medical doctors are placed on a social pedestal: a perfect context for domination and control. But in Jims case, it was something different.

In several dialogues with me in my office, Jim revealed that he controls in order to block other things from getting in. Unlike Rick, who controls to get closer to his fulfillment, Jim controls to move away from his demons. He feels that if he lightens up, then, as he put it, ˜˜Who knows what would happen! Lets see how Jim learned how to get excessive controlling ˜˜under control.