THE EMOTIONAL CONTINUITY MANAGEMENT QUICK-FIX

When emotions start spinning, your employees need your support. And they may need that support immediately to stop a spin. Emotional zingers, guilt trips, shamings, verbal innuendoes, and outright attacks can hit even the most stable employee sideways when least expecting it. Emotions that are subtle or profoundly upsetting can come on suddenly and out of the blue and in most universes, these forces hit the most available and vulnerable target of the moment. If it isn't you then you might have a chance to do a quick-fix to stop the spin.

Emotions matter to the person having those feelings. If the emotions are coming from an Emotional Terrorist it is important to recognize that, if you are a target, you are simply their current squeaky toy, blue-plate special, target of the moment, soup of the day or "victim du jour." It probably is not about you. You may have contributed to the environment of emotions, or triggered some feelings for someone else, but feelings come from within and are always a response to how someone puts meaning into an experience. Someone who has had previous trauma or abuse may have a tendency to turn an emotional content into a personal event. The emotions of someone else do not originate inside of you.

It is important to make an effort to not allow your emotional response to be part of a spin process, small or large. Your emotions matter also, but mostly to you. Take your feelings to an appropriate source of support, a friend outside the office, partner, spouse, family member, EAP provider, counselor, clergy, journal or yoga class. Take care of your feelings without engaging in the agenda of someone else. Avoid the drama triangle.

1. GO NEUTRAL

Healthy emotional variances come and go. Emotional Terrorists do not want to spin out of control themselves , they want you to do that for them so they can control the emotional situation. This allows them to justify their reality, make you the "bad guy" and walk away clean. It is a very powerful control mechanism. The trick with this is to just go emotionally flat. Do not engage. Do not agree or disagree . Respond to their device with a neutral, " oh ," or "I will take that into consideration ," or " why do you ask? " or " I will get back to you on that later ," or "I was just heading to the restroom, I'll get back to you. "

2. STEP AWAY

Literally move back a step, and then redirect your progress or energy to an entirely different place. If you are stuck in a corner, cubicle or office space, take one step back and stand firmly grounded on two feet with arms at your sides in a relaxed manner, visualize yourself moving backwards and away from the emotional debris, or make a position change in your chair that suggests you are changing the situation. Taking a break reorients the energy flow. It can be useful to say, "Can you just hold that thought until I return from the restroom?" Excuse yourself and come back to the room and position yourself in a neutral way.

3. SILENCE

There are times when silence is the perfect response to aggressive behavior. Breathe quietly and wait quietly and see if the person you are dealing with either escalates or de-escalates the situation.

4. NO EYE CONTACT

Although making no direct eye contact or too much eye contact is a favorite mechanism that Emotional Terrorists use to control or invalidate you, you can use it also. Use your eyes to hold a position as you step back and exit from an uncomfortable situation.

5. BOUNDARY GESTURES

Raise one hand, palm forward, in a "stop" gesture, with a very clear neutral phrase, such as, " not here, not now ," or " I need to be elsewhere, could we take this up later if it is important? " or "thanks for your input on that, and I will have to move on with what I was doing ," or " oh, I understand what you are saying, so let's stop here for now ," or " this sounds important to you, and I'm just on my way to the copy machine, perhaps we/you/I should discuss it with the supervisor ," or " this does not sound like business to me, it sounds like emotions and so we will need to establish a different venue for this discussion ."

6. CLOSED PHRASES

Closed phrases are more socially acceptable ways to say, NO. They end the conversation without being extremely abrupt while leaving no room for discussion. They can sound like, " this is certainly a good topic to discuss with the boss ," or " since our Anti-Terrorism training, I have decided to not even start to go there with anyone ," or " now that I understand how rumors get contagious, I am sure being careful with what I discuss with people. But I hope you bring that up at the next staff meeting when everyone is present ."

7. NO SPINNING ALLOWED

If you recognize an unavoidable spin coming your way take a moment to get grounded. Take a few deep breaths, and brace yourself for the blow. Know this is temporary. Know that you can survive more readily if you don't go spinning off with the emotions of someone else. See yourself as well grounded and safe. Let the emotional tornado blow itself out and then use the proper hierarchy process to report any danger if necessary. Make every effort not to add to the spin when reporting the spin. Make good choices and try not to be manipulated by the grand or subtle spinnings of others. Let dust devils go by. Report tornadoes. Pay attention to dust devils that gather speed and force.

8. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FEELINGS

If someone attacks you emotionally, you may have a wound that needs care. Your feelings count, but usually not to the person who attacked you. Honor your feelings and give them reasonable attention and care. Take it to a trusted friend off the site. Write in your journal. Share at a 12-Step Meeting. Call your spouse or sister. Do not dump on others any more than you would lift the edge off of every bandage to show someone the goo of your skinned knee. It's yours. You are responsible to take care of it. You are grown up. If you need help, get it. If the attack is big then feel no humiliation in seeking more significant help. Even little boo-boos deserve a nice bandage. Big wounds require bigger bandages, and sometimes more gauze. Unless you are completely taken out you need to take care of your own feelings. When you are recovered and secure report the attack forward through the appropriate grievance procedure rather than random venting to co-workers that may injure them or start other spins . Take care of yourself because you are valuable .

1. TEMPORARY

Know that storms are temporary. Some of them are nasty even if they do have a natural, very brief, lifecycle. Remember, problems can be fixed and issues can be resolved. If there is no life- threatening situation time is not an enemy and can be used for healing and resolution.

10. STAND ON THE OBSERVATION DECK

Do whatever it takes to stay neutral in your observations. For example, you can pretend to be standing on the observation deck of a spacecraft. You are surrounded and protected by a force field. You see an alien approaching you. It speaks through a translator device and has a human form. You know it is not really human because you have been in this part of the galaxy before. You listen. The alien spews emotional content your direction. Because you know it is alien-speak you can offer a courteous remark from your safe perspective and then get back to the command post to carry on with your own mission. Later you may think to yourself, " wow, that was an emotionally agitated alien walking around here, I wonder who let it loose? Oh, well, I guess they'll let anyone work on this ship ."

11. PRETEND

As you stand on your observation deck you can get through a lot of minor emotional spins by playing and pretending. No one else needs to know you have created a fantasy to survive your work site chaos. Keep it to yourself and smile pleasantly in the face of chaos. After all, you are royalty who is being held captive and must weave sticks into gold before 5:00 p.m. The evil gremlin King who is trying to distract you from your work has been sent from the Evil Witch's castle to try to keep you from your release. You cannot let on that you know, so you politely turn him away with a regal phrase and return to your weaving. Or no one knows that you are The Secret Weapon Goalie on the Olympic Hockey team and your coach has planted you in this office to learn skills in deflecting the emotional hockey pucks. You know your task is to avoid being hit in the head by the puck, but also to drop it back into play. You don't own the puck but you must keep standing as it is being hurled at you at 599 m.p.h. The crowd roars!

12. ACT OUT A LITTLE (a little)

Be a little silly and slightly whimsical in a way that no one else will notice. It is useful and healing to shake off the "nasties" with a dose of humor that causes no harm. Keep a small toy in your pocket. Collect jokes in your day planner. Wear your socks inside out. If you get a paper cut put a cartoon character bandage on it and send yourself a get-well card. As Oscar Wilde was once attributed as saying, "Life is much too important to be taken so seriously!" The only way this works is to keep it to yourself. Someone may be doing very important work and your whimsy could cause harm. This is small whimsy you do to entertain yourself.

13. OVERACT

Sometimes it stops someone in their tracks to react to an overreaction with another overreaction. Be careful and make very good choices, but it can be very powerful to provide a fun-house mirror reflection back to someone. For example, someone comes to you with a rumor. Listen politely. If you suspect that they are trying to make a spin, offer them the reminder that spinning isn't appropriate and if it is a real problem, they should use the chain of command. This is supportive to someone who is in distress. If, on the other hand, this is an Emotional Terrorist who demonstrates that they are not really interested in problem-solving, and if you think you can get away with it, throw your hands in the air, or fall down on the floor and pretend to weep uncontrollably while raving about the potential ramifications of this rumor to yourself, your unborn grandchildren, national security, global warming, the ecosystem of lint, the spiritual well being of the Maharaja LeBlommbia's Quest for Interplanetary Peace and the migratory status of Canadian Geese in the Northwest. Then stand back up, quietly dust yourself off, and say, "You are right, this is so important that I think we either need to tell our manager, write a formal grievance, or would you just like me to spread this around the office with your name on it?" Again, although this is a theoretically sound process that has been used in therapeutic settings for decades, you must be very careful with whom you use it in the office.

14. SEEK BEAUTY

Go to the window and look for beauty. Go outdoors for thirty seconds and take a breath of air. Even a cement walkway is beautiful if you take a moment to consider its texture, solidity, how it came to be there, the humans who put it there, the water that was used to mix it and how it came from the sea and the clouds, the sun and wind that dried it that leave each day and return at dawn, the feet that walk across it that were once the feet of small children with sweet innocent smiles, and the ants which scurry across what must seem to them a rugged terrain in a never ending cycle of life. Emotional Terrorists hate beauty and grace. Appreciation for beauty does not support the agenda of destruction. Beauty is life-affirming and not life-alienating. The power of beauty dismantles negativity. Take a beauty break to regroup your emotions on a regular basis and always after a brush with anything that is Anti-Beauty.

15. DEVELOP A PERSONAL PRACTICE

Develop a personal recovery practice and do something wonderful for your body, mind, emotions and spirit on a daily basis. This will keep your emotional immunity in top working condition. Develop your own sacred recipe for self care, joy, beauty, persistence, whimsy, connection and peacemaking.

16. DISCOVER YOUR INNER-SELF

Listen to an Emotional Terrorist closely from your observation deck to discover your own vulnerabilities. Learn more about your own fears by seeing the reflections off the mirrors of others. Each experience we have either takes us forward or moves us backward. Life is about moving forward. You started this life in perfection and innocence and this is your true nature. Find out how this applies to you now and how it applies to you at work. No matter how many times you have been dropped on your head by people and situations you are an adult and can not make the choice to use life for life affirming or for life alienating.