HOW TO MANAGE GRIEF: YOURS AND OTHERS

HOW TO MANAGE GRIEF : YOURS AND OTHERS

Elizabeth K ¼bler-Ross described five stages that people go through with losses through death: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. Other losses necessitate we go through the same stages in either an abbreviated form or equally as pronounced. The level of loss is self-defined and based on the individual's perception of the value of the loss. No one can ascribe value or lack of value to another human being. Values are self-validating and supported by personal experience.

Mental health professionals will attest that although there is no absolute standard way anyone goes through the stages of loss, moving through all the stages would define grief work as accomplished and minimize the risk of being stuck in a stage for a protracted period. Moving through grief is like moving through a tunnel. Feelings inside the tunnel can be viable , fluid, erratic, weighty, vague, explosive, quiet, energized, controlling, vacant, passive and aggressive . There is no one right expression of these feelings. It takes moving through the tunnel to get to the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel."

What is often missed is that all change creates a loss. Change can offer gain as well but always with a price of loss. If you choose one path, you will have to lose the other path either temporarily or permanently. You may gain the value of the chosen path and lose the value of the lost path. There may be no judgment of right or wrong in this, but the choice necessitates a loss of some sort . With every loss there is some level of grief work. The entire process of going through the tunnel to adjustment may last five minutes if it is a small loss. It does not take a death to have a loss. It does not take a death to go through the stages of loss.

Example

I lost my pen! It is a favorite pen. I am a writer. I will need my pen to continue writing my poetry.

1. Denial

This is the "as-if" stage. There is no awareness that the pen is missing, so I continue my life "as-if" it will be there when I require it. I go about my business. I plan to write this afternoon with my favorite pen and I have no concept that my pen is gone. I naturally act "as if" my pen still exists where I left it in my mind.

But the pen is gone and this thought does not change the facts .

2. Bargaining

I go to my studio to write. Wanting my pen now, the energy of that desire begins to stir within me. I move from a rather blank thinking place to a more active thinking of "I want my pen NOW." Energy moves toward my goal and I begin to work my thoughts in order to create the end I desire . I am trying to anticipate and control the outcome. I want to shorten the gap between me and my pen. My bargaining thoughts continue: "When I get my pen I will keep it close to me or on a string around my neck so I won't have to look for it like I am right now." "When I find my pen I will write all the time, go to church , be nicer, etc." I may even engage others in my attempt to control by asking someone, 'Will you help me take care of my pen?"

But the pen is gone and this thought does not change the facts.

3. Anger

Now the energy increases as bargaining, the earlier control mechanism, did not control the situation or produce the pen. This energy must go somewhere. The first place it goes is outward, toward anger. The loss cannot belong to me, therefore it must belong to someone else. The energy now begins to sputter, spurt or explode outward away from the self into forms of blame, shame, anger, rage, accusations, defiances, attacks and rebellions. I may shout angry accusations like, "Who took my pen?" "You were supposed to help me. You are a jerk." "You hated my writing."

But the pen is gone and this thought does not change the facts.

4. Depression

The energy production, still unsuccessful in producing the pen, now makes a U- turn and blame, shame, anger, rage, accusations, defiances, attacks and rebellions are now directed away from others and toward self. In depression I may believe "I'll never write again", "I was never any good anyway", "I picked the wrong person to help me protect my pen."

But the pen is gone and this thought does not change the facts.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean joy and celebration . Acceptance is the arrival at a clear awareness of the situation. The loss is real. The loss has meaning. Gains are seen, losses are absorbed, and gradually there is a return to a more stable energy. I come to believe "My pen is gone. I liked that pen a lot. I will live through this loss, but I will remember it each time I write or see a pen like the one I lost."

But the pen is gone and this thought does not change the facts.

HOWEVER, LIFE HAS MOVED ON. AND SO SHALL I .

 

Once such a minor grief is completed through the cycle, it will recycle again and again, usually in smaller doses and briefer cycles. A reminder of the loss may trigger the residue from a past stage. But eventually the recycling resolves more quickly. If the loss is severe the stages may hold the same energy and strength but usually are more fluid, less fixed, and less likely to become locked. A loss that is perceived as small, although it must follow the same stages, has less depth and usually resolves more quickly. The cycles may come quickly at first but with less force over time.

The frivolous example of losing a pen is useful to explore grief work because most people can discuss loss if it is about something as inane and commonplace as a pen. Most adults have experienced losses in their lives. That does not mean they are efficient at grief work. A person can be in one stage of grief about one loss, while in another stage about another loss, or change. You can be in anger about your pen and acceptance about your receding hairline or expanding waistline. You can be in bargaining about your receding hairline or expanding waistline and pitch an anger fit because your favorite pen is missing. Humans go through countless changes and losses and gains on a daily basis. Two people experiencing the same loss will perceive its value differently and may be in very different stages at the same time.