Meetings and Greetings

If you live in a city, the chances are that you see hundreds, if not thousands, of people in the course of a day ”on the train to work, in the restaurant at lunchtime, and in the movie theater in the evening. You see these people, but you don t meet them. The moment when two strangers become visible to each other, when they reveal their identities, when they meet, is an important moment. This moment marks the transition from the role of stranger to that of acquaintance and is accompanied by rituals in all parts of the world.

Although there are enormous differences, two main aspects of meeting a new person are common to nearly all cultures: There is usually a special set of phrases and the exchange of names , and also some sort of symbolic physical movement, like the offering of a hand to be shaken or the lowering of a head. This is the moment when, if we were dogs, we d start sniffing each other. As we are humans , we have to make do with our social antennas. We might not be conscious of doing so, but we notice the clothes of our new acquaintance, the firmness of his or her grip, the tone of voice, or the depth of the bow. We immediately begin to form our first impression .

The rituals associated with meeting someone for the first time are many and varied, even within the same culture. In the U.K., for example, you would probably expect that your first meeting with a senior manager in your company would be accompanied by a handshake and the formal greeting, How do you do? But if you were later introduced to the members of the team you were going to work with, depending on their ages and your own, you might feel that a nod, a smile, and a Hi were introduction enough.

The meeting and greeting procedure is initially about the exchange of basic personal information, but it is also about the establishment and outward statement of an individual s status. So, although your egalitarian hackles may rise at this, it s the subordinate who bows lower than the manager in Japan or Korea, and much gentle probing may take place before an introduction to find out the relevant statuses of the people to be introduced. The depth of the bow will be determined by one s job title, by how many people one supervises, or even which university one attended. Etiquette books in Europe and North America also take the subordinate/ superior roles seriously; these explain that it s the person with lower status who is always introduced to the person of higher status. Assuming that you want to impress some particularly old-fashioned superiors with your savoir faire and that you need to introduce two people to each other, one male and the other female , then the man (unless he s much older or has a particularly high status) should be introduced to the woman rather than vice-versa.

Just how formal the whole process is varies enormously from country to country. The U.S. has a reputation for being a place where people make social contacts easily, often without the need for a third party to get involved. Americans find it easier to introduce themselves, even to complete strangers, than do the Scandinavians, French, or South Koreans. Whereas the latter group may question whether it is worth getting to know people with whom they might have nothing in common, and might never see again, North Americans find it natural to introduce themselves , ask a few personal questions, and strike up a conversation. One explanation is historical. In the comparatively short history of the U.S., hundreds of thousands of people moved to the New World, and many of them continued across the American continent to build a new life. They came from a wide range of countries and backgrounds, were often on the move, and had to rely on their own resources for making new business and personal acquaintances . They were forced to develop the skill of making new contacts quickly and easily.

Whatever the procedure entails, the moment you meet someone new, you take the first step toward establishing a new relationship. However long- or short-lived the relationship turns out to be, it is a good idea to be aware of the unwritten rules and rituals surrounding the process in different cultures.

LETTERS 10 “11

First meetings usually consist of some sort of physical acknowledgment of the other person, whether that s a handshake, a bow, or a simple nod. However, what you do when meeting someone is just as important as what you say.

Just passing through Letter 10

FROM GERMANY ABOUT THE U.S.

I m a receptionist working in a multinational corporation and never know what to say to American visitors who say, Hello. How are you? as they walk past. Actually, by the time I ve decided how to answer, they re usually out of range anyway.

The problem here is that although the greeting is in the form of a question, no answer is really required. In this respect it s on a par with the British Good morning and Good afternoon and the Australian Good day. If the same question is asked as part of an introduction, the answer is, Fine, thanks, and you? In the situation you mention, however, you don t have a chance to say anything meaningful, so a nod and a smile or a simple Hello will suffice.

A similar question is the British, U.S. American, and Canadian greeting How do you do? This is used in more formal circles and only when being introduced to someone for the first time. The correct answer, which confuses everyone (including many native speakers ), is to respond with the same phrase, How do you do? However, this form of introduction is becoming less common and is considered old-fashioned on both sides of the Atlantic, and is being replaced by Pleased to meet you, or even (and here we come full circle) Hello, how are you?

Small talk ”small mind? Letter 11

FROM THE U.S. ABOUT VENEZUELA

I work a lot with Venezuelans, and feel that whenever I meet a new business prospect I spend half my time answering questions about my family, mutual acquaintances, my trip there, and so on. This means I have to make three visits to the country in order to do something that should really only take one. Is there any way around this?

In a word, no ”that is, not if you want to do business there, or anywhere in Latin America, for that matter. Venezuelans take a long time to greet each other; their numerous polite questions are a sign of respect for and interest in the individual. They want to get to know you not only because you doubtless have a charming and interesting personality, but also because for them it makes sound business sense to know and trust the person they are doing business with. If something goes wrong with the deal, most Latin Americans want to know their contacts will do their best to solve the problem personally , for it is often a time-consuming and expensive process to enforce contracts or to get legal redress through the courts.

This preference for doing business with people you know can be a barrier for U.S. Americans, Canadians, and some Northern Europeans. They have to be prepared to invest the time to make long- term relationships in Latin America, India, Southern Europe, and most of the Middle East if they want to work successfully there. So it s time for you and your similarly task-oriented colleagues from, among others, Australia, Germany, Switzerland, and Austria to stop looking at your watches and start using some of your social skills to help build the long-term relationships that will benefit you in business terms, and possibly enrich you as people.

LETTERS 12 “13

Handshaking is accepted as a friendly greeting almost everywhere. However, that s not to say that all handshakes are alike.

Bone-crunchers Letter 12

FROM THAILAND ABOUT THE U.S. AND PARTS OF EUROPE

Why do some American and European men treat the handshake as some sort of competitive sport? What are they trying to prove ? There have been times when my hand has been quite sore after such greetings.

I agree. There s nothing more off- putting than extending your hand to greet someone and finding yourself engaged in something that feels like a trial of strength to see who has the stronger grip! In the U.S. and Russia, and to a lesser extent Germany and the U.K., a firm handshake, accompanied by a direct look into the other person s face, is regarded as a reflection of a strong and sincere personality. However, that s about as sensible as believing that everyone who wears spectacles is intelligent or that you re bound to have a quick temper if you have red hair.

The purpose of handshaking is to establish friendly relations, not to impress someone with the force of your personality. In cultures where women shake hands, they are far less likely to be knuckle-crushers than their male colleagues. And in many Asian cultures, such as Japan, Indonesia, Vietnam, and Thailand, where simply touching a stranger may be a slightly uncomfortable and unfamiliar experience, handshakes are often tentative and gentle, although they may last longer than the North American or European variety. In these Asian countries the handshake is a foreign import rather than a home-grown product, and a very firm handshake may be regarded as a bad-mannered attempt to impose the force of your personality on others. Having said all that, when you do take someone s hand, yours shouldn t feel like a dead fish ”floppy and limp. That would imply that you found the contact distasteful. Take your cue from your fellow-shaker and shake with sensitivity.

A whole lot of shaking . . . Letter 13

FROM THE U.K. ABOUT FRANCE

What are the conventions about shaking hands in France? My impression is that they shake hands much more frequently than we do here in the U.K.

You are quite right: In France, more hands are shaken more often. In the U.K. and the U.S., a casual wave or a general Good morning, everyone is probably enough to start the day, but this is not typical of Europe as a whole. There, greetings are both more personal and formal. A French office manager will, for example, greet all colleagues by name and shake hands with each of them at both the beginning and the end of the day. The same will happen in Spain, where it is also common even for colleagues working for the same firm to shake hands on both entering and leaving a meeting room. When it comes to social events in the majority of both Eastern and Southern European countries and in Central and South America, the host and other guests will shake hands or exchange hugs on both arrival and departure . Not to do so would be regarded as a sign that something was wrong.

Also, handshaking is not confined to a business environment in France. Even on a beach you can observe whole families, children included, greeting each other in this way. However, in the U.K. and the U.S., handshaking is associated primarily with meeting people for the first time, usually in a business environment. But as a rule of thumb, it s better to offer your hand too many times than too few.

LETTERS 14 “15

There are alternatives to handshaking, of course. In some cultures you bow, while in other cultures old acquaintances may kiss each other.

Bow and bow again? Letter 14

FROM BELGIUM ABOUT JAPAN AND SOUTH KOREA

I have had contact with some Japanese people here in Europe and will soon be visiting them in Japan. I know they usually bow to one another. Should I do the same, and if so, how?

It would be appreciated if you did bow, as it shows respect for the country s customs as well as for the individual you are greeting. In Japan, the general rule is to bow from the waist (with the arms at the sides for a man, and resting on the thighs for a woman) while avoiding eye contact.

As a general rule, the individual with the lower status should bow lower and more often than the person with the higher status. As a guest, you should start the ball rolling by bowing, but not too deeply. If you wish to emphasize your respect for a certain individual, for an older person, for example, give an extra bow.

Some Japanese businesspeople may initiate a handshake when introduced to a foreigner because they may assume that foreigners don t know about, or are uncomfortable with, bowing, so be prepared for them to stick out their hands. Other Japanese businesspeople will shake your hand if you offer it, but they may be as unfamiliar with this procedure as you are with bowing.

In South Korea, people also usually greet each other with a bow, although South Koreans are familiar with the Western-style handshake. If you re introduced to a Japanese or South Korean and he or she bows, do the same, saying your own name softly at the same time. Afterwards, business cards are usually exchanged (which is just as well, as probably neither of you could understand what the other said).

Kiss kiss Letter 15

FROM THE U.K. ABOUT RUSSIA

I shall soon be off to Russia on my first business trip. I ve seen on TV that Russian men often kiss each other. Will I be expected to do this? I would feel really uncomfortable ”I don t even kiss my father!

What you have probably seen on TV is foreign political leaders arriving in Moscow and being greeted by the Russian president with a hug and a kiss. But as we all know, politicians are not normal people, and their behavior is not duplicated in the business world. Russians are usually quite formal at a first meeting and appreciate courtesy and patience from visitors. However, as the relationship progresses over time and you get to know each other better, male Russians might express their friendship for another man with a hug and a kiss on the cheek when meeting or saying good-bye . This is an expression of friendship and is not likely to happen to you until you get to know each other well, and not always then. The same applies in Latin American and Southern and Eastern European cultures, where friends and family of both genders greet each other with a kiss on the cheek.

Don t be concerned that hugging and kissing in these circumstances have any homosexual overtones. Think how many male players and spectators (gay and straight both) react at sporting events when someone scores ”they are wrapped in each other s arms before you can say Goal! and nobody turns a hair.

IN A NUTSHELL: Meetings and Greetings

GLOBAL BUSINESS STANDARDS

Businesspeople shake hands (with the right hand only), but women should note the Global Warning below.

Businesswomen greeting business acquaintances should stick to bowing and/or handshaking rather than kissing.

GLOBAL WARNINGS

In Hindu and most Muslim cultures, cross-gender handshaking is frowned on. Foreigners of either gender shouldn t initiate such a handshake.

If you come from a culture where kissing and hugging are common, be aware that acquaintances and friends from other cultures may find this close proximity uncomfortable.

Argentina: The meeting and greeting process takes longer than in North America or Northern Europe, because participants want to know a lot about individuals before doing business with them. Colleagues who know each other may follow a handshake with an abrazo (embrace). (See Letters 11, 13, and 15.)
Australia: Style is informal. It is acceptable to introduce yourself rather than wait for an introduction. Handshaking is the usual business greeting, although less so between women. (See Letter 11.)
Austria: See the Global Business Standards. Shake hands at beginning and end of meeting. Occasionally older men may kiss a woman s hand. (See Letter 11.)
Belgium: For French-speaking parts of Belgium see France; otherwise , see Global Business Standards.
Brazil: See Argentina.
Canada: Style is quite informal. See the Global Business Standards.For French-speaking Canada, see France. (See Letter 10.)
China: A slight bow or nod is customary, and a handshake may accompany this. Grip is usually softer than in Europe or the U.S. Eyes are often lowered when meeting someone, as a sign of respect. Greet oldest/most senior person first.
Denmark: See the Global Business Standards.
Finland: See the Global Business Standards. Note that Finns often don t smile.
France: Introductions are not usually accompanied by a smile. Handshaking is very frequent, even among colleagues at start and end of day. It s important to greet everyone (even strangers) on entering a public space with Bonjour . (Double-cheek kiss is the custom between friends and relations.) (See Letters 11 and 13.)
Germany: Introductions are not usually accompanied by a smile. See the Global Business Standards. Shake hands at beginning and end of meeting. (Letters 11 and 12.)
Hong Kong: See the Global Business Standards. Also see China.
India: Bows may be accompanied by a prayer gesture of the palms of hands together (called namaste ). Foreigners are not expected to reciprocate in kind. Handshake is usually softer. The meeting and greeting process takes longer than in North America or Northern Europe, as participants want to know a lot about individuals before doing business with them. (See Letters 11 and 12.)
Indonesia: The grip is usually softer, and may continue for a longer duration than is customary in Europe or North America. It may also be accompanied by a slight bow. (See Letter 12.)
Italy: See the Global Business Standards. On occasion, men may kiss a woman s hand. (See Letters 11, 13, and 15.)
Japan: The lower status person bows deeper. If shaking hands, grip is usually softer. (See Letters 12 and 14.)
Mexico: See Argentina.
Netherlands: Both genders shake hands on meeting, and names are said at the same time.
Norway: See the Global Business Standards.
Poland: See Italy. (See Letters 13 and 15.)
Russia: Friends and relatives (including men) often greet each other with a hug and a kiss. Otherwise use the Global Business Standards. (See Letters 12, 13, and 15.)
Saudi Arabia: If a handshake is used, the grip is usually softer and may go on longer than in Europe or the U.S. The meeting and greeting process takes longer than in North America or Northern Europe. Traditional greeting between male friends involves embrace and kiss. A man should not greet a veiled woman. (See Letter 11.)
South Africa: Black South Africans may take a long time over the meetings and greetings as a sign of courtesy, and handholding is a sign of friendship. Otherwise, U.S.-style firm handshakes are the norm and eye contact essential.
South Korea: Introductions by third-party people are the rule. Each partner must know the other s status before relationship is established. Slight bow is combined with weak handshake. (See Letter 14.)
Spain: Handshaking is frequent, even among colleagues at the start and end of each day. May greet everyone (even strangers) on entering a public space with Hola. (See Letters 11, 13, and 15.)
Sweden: See Netherlands.
Switzerland: See the Global Business Standards. (See Letter 11.)
Taiwan: The grip is usually softer and the handshake may go on longer than in Europe or the U.S.
Thailand: A bow may be accompanied by a prayer gesture of the palms of the hands together. Foreigners are not expected to reciprocate in kind. (See Letter 12.)
Turkey: See the Global Business Standards. The meeting and greeting process takes longer than in North America and Northern Europe.
UK: Handshaking is less common than in mainland Europe. Introduce a junior to a senior, a man to a woman, a colleague to a customer. (See Letters 10, 12, 13, and 15.)
US: An informal style is used. Strength of handshake sometimes seen as reflecting strength of character (so you do get some knuckle crushers ). Introduce a junior to a senior, a man to a woman, a colleague to a customer. (See Letters 10 and 12.)
Venezuela: See the Global Business Standards. Otherwise, acquaintances and friends embrace and kiss freely on meeting. (See Letters 11 and 15.)