Connection Etiquette

Next, there is a pretty well-established etiquette for using connections. You can never appear opportunistic in cultivating a connection. For example, producer Christopher Lloyd acknowledges that connections open doors in Hollywood. You cannot dispute it. He has helped many young writers along in their careers. However, what never works—and will actually backfire—is to appear opportunistic. Lloyd related to me a story about a pickup basketball league that he played in a few years back. One day after the game, one of the players, whom Lloyd hardly knew, handed him a script as he was walking to his car after the game. Reflecting on the limited interaction that they had previously, Lloyd perceived that this person may have joined the league just to get access to him. It all looked very contrived. Lloyd chose not to read the script.

Another important piece of "connection etiquette" is that you should never overplay the relationship that you have with a connection. For example, I had an acquaintance who repeatedly told me how chummy he was with a congressman. As luck would have it, we were both at a fund-raiser that the congressman attended, so I asked the acquaintance to introduce me to the congressman. Appearing very nervous, the acquaintance approached the congressman. The conversation went something like this.

Acquaintance:	Hello, Congressman, let me introduce you to my friend, Tom Schweich.
Congressman:	Tom, good to meet you.

He shook my hand. Then he turned to my acquaintance.

Congressman:	I think we've met before, haven't we?
Acquaintance:	Sure Congressman, you remember, on the food irradiation bill.
Congressman:	Yeah, sure, I remember. Well it's good to see you again.
Acquaintance:	How is Susan these days?
Congressman:	Susan who?
Acquaintance:	Your wife.
Congressman:	Oh, Suzanne. She is doing great. She loves being a grandmother. You know, all the fun, none of the work.
Acquaintance:	Yeah, my parents are the same way.
Congressman:	Well, ah ... friend ... good to catch up with you.

It was pretty clear to me that the congressman had no clue who my acquaintance was and had only played along to save face for him. Moral: do not overplay your connections or you will look like a total idiot.

Finally, you get the most out of a connection when you sincerely want to learn from the person whose help you are seeking. Song-writer and recording artist Sheryl Crow told me that she has no problem at all with the idea of using connections to help a career along. But there is one big caveat: you have to have sincere intentions. "When I went to L.A., I used every connection I could possibly find," Crow told me. "But I enjoyed the process of learning from these people. And I think if you approach it like that—not using people to get somewhere but just fitting into the process—who can I learn from, who can help me to become better—doors will fly open. I think everything has to do with intention. When your intentions are pure, that is honored by the universe."

Pat Finneran, a top executive at Boeing, echoes Ms. Crow's sentiments. He does not like the idea of a pure "connection." Rather, he in his career has had mentors, like former Treasury Secretary and White House Chief of Staff Don Regan, who at times gave him advice. The invincible executive, therefore—according to top professionals ranging from songwriters to defense contractors—does not sit around plotting how to use a connection to get somewhere. Rather, he or she has flexible goals and takes the opportunity to learn from people who have reached similar goals. Those people can detect that honest enthusiasm and will naturally offer to help their aspiring friend along with his or her career.