Listening

The diagram below illustrates what we often think it is like when we talk to someone.

Figure 13.4: The process of listening

Hearing is only the first part of listening “ the physical part when your ears sense sound waves. There are three other equally important parts . There s the interpretation of what was heard that leads to understanding, or

misunderstanding. Then comes the evaluation stage when you weigh the information and decide how you ll use it. Finally, based on what you heard and how you evaluated it, you react . That s listening.

Tests have shown that immediately after listening to a 10-minute oral presentation, the average listener has heard, understood , properly evaluated and retained approximately half of what was said. And within 48 hours, that drops off another 50 per cent to a final 25 per cent level of effectiveness “ in other words, we quite often comprehend and retain only one-quarter of what was said.

10 keys to effective listening

These keys, shown in Figure 13.5, provide a positive guide to better listening. In fact, they are at the heart of developing better listening habits that could last a lifetime.

Figure 13.5: 10 Keys to effective listening

In order to really listen to another person, use the following points as guidelines:

• Concentrate on the other person. Try to give him or her 100 per cent of your attention. If you feel that you need to take notes, explain what you are doing and why.

• Encourage the other person to feel comfortable with you and to want to speak to you. Nod and smile appropriately, ask constructive and relevant questions that are based upon what you have heard.

• Respond to the other person as detailed above and demonstrate that you have been listening by reflecting back what you are hearing. Use phrases like: ˜What I am hearing is. . . , ˜You seem to be saying that. . . , ˜I sense that you. . . and so on.

• Non-verbal signals will tell the other person whether you are listening.

• Eye contact will show that you are interested in the other person. Do not stare, but maintain eye contact for the majority of the time that you are in discussion.

• Body language such as that described earlier will help the other person to know that you are listening. You should also adopt an open , interested position. Turning away from the person or folding your arms will send messages of disapproval and may cause the person to ˜dry up .

• Speech rhythm/tone/silence all have an effect on the way in which people feel about communicating with you. If, when you speak, you do so in a hurried and rushed fashion, then the other person will feel as if you do not have the time to listen to him or her. Your tone of voice can either pass on the message that you are listening or that you are impatient and wish to move the conversation on. Silence can be used very effectively to prompt the other person to speak to you.

• We are often afraid of silences and therefore try to fill them with conversation; this temptation is best avoided.

• Ask questions relating to what you have been told. This will assist in clarifying and in encouraging the coachee to give you further details.

• Try to remain objective and neutral as you are listening “ avoid relating your own experiences to those that you are hearing about “ ˜I remember when a similar thing happened to me. . . will not be helpful when you are focusing your attention on the speaker and his or her experience.

• Listen for recurring themes in what the person is saying to you. Does the speaker repeat the same phrase? Does he or she refer back to a specific situation? Ask questions relating to any themes that you are hearing.

• Recap on what you have heard the speaker say to you at the end of each session.

Reflection and paraphrasing

Reflection and paraphrasing are methods of feeding back to the speaker the information that you have just been given. When you reflect back what someone has been telling you, you relay to him or her the whole of the message that you have just received. The whole of the message (as indicated previously) comes not only from the words that the speaker is using, but also from his or her tone of voice and body language.

To paraphrase is to express what you have been told in other words. Paraphrasing is a useful tool when you wish to check your understanding of what the speaker is telling you. For example, the speaker may be describing a particular procedure to you. When you paraphrase what you have been told you will describe the procedure to the speaker, but using your own words to explain your understanding of what you have been told.

In summary, an effective coaching session will have a balance of talking and listening “ the coachee will do most of the talking, the coach will do most of the listening.