Breaking It Down

I handled an incident one evening where a man was holding his common-law wife hostage. This guy was most certainly not the kind of guy you would want to marry your sister or even walk your dog. We had intelligence on him that told us the police were called to this location regularly and that he’d been arrested in the past for beating the woman he was holding. This time, though, when the police showed up at his door thinking they were going to handle the situation as usual, they found out differently. Our subject opened the door holding his wife around the throat with one arm. With his other hand he held a gun to her head.

My first contact with this model of society was rather interesting. As I was going over in my head what I would say, I heard his phone ring and he answered. Before I could even get out a hello, he started yelling at me about how he would kill her and that she was useless and should die. Hell, all I was looking for was “Hello.”

I asked my new best friend, “How is Mary doing?” This brought a new round of yelling and degrading comments about his wife. Each time he went into a rampage about Mary, I used a soft but determined voice to tell him that it was not nice to talk about Mary that way. I explained that even though they had problems in their relationship, there were other ways he could handle it. The goal at this point was just to get him to see Mary as a real person. Hostage takers who degrade their captives and refuse to recognize them as human beings worthy of respect and proper treatment are basically saying, “You are not worthy to live. You are a nonentity, and no one would care if I give you what you deserve.” The hostage taker is convincing himself that it’s okay to hurt his captive. The most important goal at this point is to reverse that process.

I won’t bore you with all two hours of the back and forth, but it was basically volley and serve, volley and serve—she’s a useless witch, she is not. Is, is not.

Finally I asked that simple question again: “How is Mary doing?”

This time his reply came in a sullen voice: “Mary is okay. She’s sitting on the couch.”

We all looked at each other and knew this was a major breakthrough—he’d actually started to see her as a person again. About another two hours later he released Mary and then surrendered himself.

Okay, Dominick, the story is great, but what the hell does it have to do with business?

The point is, in an unpredictable situation—or a very complicated negotiation—sometimes it’s easier to break the goal down into different parts or steps, and negotiate toward step one first. Had I started right in trying to get the hostage taker out, it’s likely that the negotiation would have floundered and Mary would have been shot if not killed. It’s important to recognize a potentially complicated situation from the outset and plan your tactics accordingly.

Most negotiations are based on a multitude of small accomplishments. Yeah, we would all love to go in at 8 a.m. and sit at the corporate meeting table for a major contract negotiation, have a cup of coffee, and be on our way by 8:45 with a signed contract. Real life is hard work, with a little luck thrown in on the side. Determination, sweat, and long, long hours—that’s what really leads to success.

Oh, by the way, if I was able to perfect that, go in at 8:00 and get out at 8:45 with a great contract, I would not be writing this book while in a plane 34,000 feet up.

Well, maybe I would—but it would be my plane.