Malice in Your Heart

Controlling people’s emotions is always an area for discussion and disagreement when I give my hostage negotiation classes. I like to ask my students this question: “Can you control a person’s emotions?” You’d be surprised at the answers I get. They range from a blunt “NO!” to “Maybe.”

I follow up their answers with another question: “Has anyone in the class ever, with total malice in your heart, with total intent and dedication, set out to piss someone off?” The class usually laughs. Then I ask, “When you set out to do this, have you ever not succeeded?” More laughs.

The point is, pissing people off is controlling their emotions. Our goal in negotiations is just the opposite: We want the person on the other side of the table to trust us, and even to feel good about themselves. I know it’s not as much fun as pissing people off, but it’s more useful for our goal. Use your talent to make people feel good about themselves and the deal.