Talk to Me


“Talk to Me”

Working on the hostage negotiations squad at NYPD, I earned what has to be one of the most unique nicknames in the police field: “Talk to Me.” It came from my habit of using that phrase during negotiations. “Talk to me,” I’d tell the subject. “I’m listening.”

Talk to me, not listen to me.

The hardest part of listening is stripping away the invisible filters in your brain that screw up what you hear. Those filters are worse than earwax. They distort what comes into the ear canal and send it unknowingly on to the brain.

We couldn’t live without some filters. Filters let us sort voices from the car horns and jackhammers in the street; they let us recognize our kid’s crying in a crowded room. Others are necessary for quick decisions—a fire alarm going off in the middle of the night is instantly recognized as a danger signal.

But during negotiations, our preconceived notions filter what we hear. If we begin a discussion thinking the deal will go a certain way, we tend to interpret the sounds around us according to those expectations.

On a five-man negotiating team, the coach or backup negotiator helps the primary negotiator get the wax out of his ears. He or she is a source of feedback and a check on what the negotiator is really hearing.

One-man negotiators can get feedback too. They just have to get it from the person they’re dealing with.

Restate what the other side told you, to make sure you have it right. It’s fine to be explicit about what you’re doing: “I want to get this right” doesn’t just tell the person on the other side of the table that you’re listening; it’s a sign that what he or she says is important—and by extension, that they’re important.




Negotiate and Win. Proven Strategies from the NYPD's Top Hostage Negotiator
Negotiate and Win: Proven Strategies from the NYPDs Top Hostage Negotiator
ISBN: 0071737774
EAN: 2147483647
Year: 2003
Pages: 180

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