The I m Your Friend Attitude

The “I’m Your Friend” Attitude

Is being nice manipulation?

Yes and no. You definitely do catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and many more deals are made through cooperation and friendship than ill will. I think a little manipulation along those lines is fine. But just a little. Too much is dangerous.

Hostage negotiators deal with people we don’t like all the time. Not one of the people I’ve talked off of bridges or out from behind barricades gets a postcard from me every year. Yeah, it’s nice to make friends, and that’s what life is all about—but negotiating is not making friends.

In everyday situations, emotions often skew the negotiations. It’s not just falling in love with a house or really wanting to impress people with a certain type of car. The emotions involved in talking to someone are part of the swirl. You can deal with them to an extent by focusing on your goals, but it’s hard to keep yourself separate.

When I talk to new hostage negotiators, one of the things I emphasize is, “Leave your cop attitude outside.” When you’re negotiating with a pedophile, you can’t think like a cop—because thinking like a cop is going to make you want to march in there and arrest him. At best.

It’s the same way with someone you like or would like to like on the other side of the negotiating table. Leave your friend attitude outside. I’m not saying be a mean person, or even to be cold and distant. Be friendly if that’s your style. But focus on your goal. You’re negotiating, not having a drink.

All right, you may be having a drink—but it’s a tactic and a means to an end, not the reason you’re there.