The Flip Side: Egos Can Be Useful


Knowing that egos often come out of the closet at the very end can help a negotiator. In the cigarette situation I mentioned above, it didn’t take a rocket scientist or a shrink to realize that the hostage taker wanted to save face. That gave me something I could work with. I didn’t give in right away—no carton of cigarettes, even though someone could have run down to the corner and gotten one. Why not? Because then it wouldn’t have helped him save face. By the time we were done talking on the point, three cigarettes meant more to him than the carton would have—he had worked me into an agreement. In his mind, he’s wrestled me and won.

That’s a loss I’ll take every time. Because I keep score by reaching my goal.

The other person’s ego can be very useful when you’re trying to overcome the last hang-up or two. I don’t tell him he’s a great negotiator: I let him prove it. I figure out what he wants, then I let him get it from me—in exchange for what I want. If I do x, will you do y? What about z?

Doesn’t have to be one for one, but there has to be give-and-take. I find that process helps support the other guy’s ego—and probably mine—a lot more effectively than standing there and saying, “You are one fantastic human being.”

Which in the situations I deal with is almost never true.




Negotiate and Win. Proven Strategies from the NYPD's Top Hostage Negotiator
Negotiate and Win: Proven Strategies from the NYPDs Top Hostage Negotiator
ISBN: 0071737774
EAN: 2147483647
Year: 2003
Pages: 180

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