Signs of Self-Destruction

People enter this passage having failed before, but this failure is different in the sense that what takes place here is often psychologically devastating. A sea change occurs in the way ambitious people view their companies when they’re passed over for a key promotion or let go. For years, they represented and championed the company, its people, and its values. Overnight, they believe they have become the object of the company’s scorn, or at least its indifference. Just as significantly, being passed over or let go is beyond their control. With some failures, they may have contributed to their own demise, but it’s someone else who decides they should be terminated or not get the job; the decision often feels as capricious and uncontrollable as fate.

In short, this passage, particularly at senior levels, can be especially disconcerting. It’s more likely to challenge you if you have any of the following traits or are in any of the following situations:

• Your job is the essence of your identity. To some extent, who you are is defined by what you do. Problems surface in this passage, however, when your primary self-definition revolves around work, which is not unusual given the time demands and psychic rewards senior executives experience. When your friends are all related to your business activities, your leisure time is absorbed by networking or business transactions, and the social activities in which you participate involve people in your company or industry or carry a business agenda, your identity has narrowed significantly. As a result, you’re emotionally vulnerable to any downturn in your career. Being passed over or fired is the ultimate downturn, and it’s difficult to recover from this setback, let alone learn anything from it. There are communities in the United States (the affluent Connecticut suburbs within driving distance of New York City come to mind) where many senior corporate executives live. They work in related fields, they socialize together, and they may even vacation together. Thus when one of these people is fired or passed over for a promotion, he experiences a double setback. He feels like he can’t show up at the golf course or go out to dinner without people observing and pitying him.

• Excessive self-confidence. Leaders need sizable egos or they wouldn’t be able to exert an impact on large companies or business units; relatively few selfless people make it to the top of competitive corporations. At the same time, some people have healthy egos and others have unhealthy ones. The latter group views any criticism or defeat as a personal affront. For them, it’s never “just business.” Being fired or passed over is the ultimate personal insult, and some leaders can plunge into minor depression afterward or respond with great vindictiveness and fury. In either case, the learning is more difficult to obtain.

• Long tenure with one company. The longer you’ve been with an organization, the more difficult it is psychologically to deal with being terminated or passed over unless you have worked to prepare yourself. After an extended period of time, some leaders continue to believe in the rapidly disappearing psychological contract of years ago: that their company owes them for their years of service and that their loyalty will be reciprocated. This is rarely the case today in a performance-based, competitive marketplace. Some companies work hard to foster the illusion that employees are family, and only the most dire economic circumstances would create conditions for termination. But future economic conditions and company response are increasingly unpredictable. You may have even witnessed these events happening to coworkers but rationalized why they took place. When it happens to you, though, it’s shocking. It seems unfair and even cruel for a company not to retain you or promote you, or to go outside for new talent when your only fault has been loyalty and long service. In these circumstances, you’re highly vulnerable to feelings of bitterness and vindictiveness that can stymie your leadership growth. We have coached many executives through this passage, and the goal is to “let go.”

• Performance issues are cited as the cause of the action. If you’re terminated or passed over for nonperformance reasons, it’s much easier to make it through this passage without enormous emotional upset. If you’re part of a large downsizing triggered by an economic downturn or don’t receive a promotion because a new leader has hired former associates, and the political nature of “people” decisions are obvious, you are less likely to become stuck in an anger stage. However, when you’re told you haven’t performed up to expectations, the criticism strikes at the heart of who you are and what you do. You can’t justify or rationalize the action the company has taken, and so you’re likely to respond with rage against the company or yourself. In either instance, you’re making it more difficult to learn in this passage.