It s Often About Childhood

Its Often About Childhood

The examples cited so far involve childhood experiences. Just like worriers, prisoners are often dealing with parts of the personality that took shape in childhood to defend against perceived threats. Kids go about their business, exploring and playing, taking for granted that their need for love will be met. If parents consistently make that love appear conditional or unavailable, there will be an inevitable response. The natural construction of an integrated personality is jarred in some way.

• Joanne was hit as a child. Love was conditional. When she was good, everything was okay. But when she was bad, her basic need for protection was not met. Instead of a hug, it was a cuff to the side of the head. Joanne grew up having to deal with the fear that she would not be loved. Rejection made her anxious.

• Noahs parents were busy when he was young. He didnt get the attention he craved. Unconsciously he felt he wasnt being loved as much as he wanted to be loved. The result in adulthood was that when his wife became angry with him, he became paralyzed with anxiety until the dispute could be resolved. He couldnt stand his wife being angry because it made him feel the way he felt as a child.

• Henrys father used to lose his temper. Henry hated the feeling he got when that happened . The flow of love would stop. Now, when Henrys business partner, who tends to have a dominant personality, gets uppity, Henry shrinks away in silenceexactly what he used to do when his father was angry.

• Waynes mother had a nervous breakdown when he was very young. Waynes needs for affection were left to be filled by his father, a busy newspaperman. Wayne felt abandoned , although, of course, he was too young to know the concept. It was just an emptiness he felt a lot of the time. Now, as an adult, when traveling on business, Wayne finds himself feeling anxious. Through coaching he discovered that being away from his home base reminds him of the absolute emptiness he experienced as a child.

Suffering children do not know they are suffering. They just experience life with pain. In most cases, their emotional angst is not processed. It is unfinished business. Because it is unfinished , it recurs in response to circumstances that are interpreted as being similar to the original painful context. It recurs until it is processed .

Of course, not all children are loved as much as they want. Its a fact of life. Even parents who lavish their kids with love cant please them all the time. And if they do choose to please their children all the time, different problems arise: Their kids, not experiencing limits on their behavior and emotions, become spoiled, do not learn to take responsibility, and run other people ragged trying to fulfill their needs. It is a no-win scenario for parents. Maybe Buddhists are right when they say that ˜˜life is suffering.

There is a threshold of love needs. If caregivers satisfy enough of those needs, then children grow up to deal with life effectively. They experience anxiety appropriate to the circumstances they find themselves in. At times they hurt, but it is at a level that is somehow appropriate to the circumstances. For example, when they are rejected, they feel the pain of rejection. They cry. But the recovery period is shorter than for prisoners of anxiety.

When care-giving is inadequate, kids grow up wondering why at times they are provoked into anxiety. They notice, for example, that it takes longer for them to recover from emotional upset. Or their anxiety in one area of their life bleeds into other areas. Or they feel guilty for longer than is called for. Or they fear confrontation more than most people do. Or they hold onto anger longer than others. Or they find themselves giving into impulses without the control they wish they had. The list could go on and on.