Chapter 4: The Attention-Seeker

Overview

˜ ˜See me!

This is the unspoken plea of attention-seekers. They wave a flag to make sure others stop and notice them. They do not cry out, ˜ ˜Look! Up in the sky! Nor do they say, ˜ ˜If you happen to look in my direction, I would prefer you to see me in a certain light. No, attention-seekers want a certain judgment from us, and they know how to get it.

Attention-seekers behavior is linked to whatever they equate with being of value:

• ˜ ˜I did a whole master s thesis on that topic. I m positive I m right about this.

• ˜ ˜Well, I used to make several hundred thousand a year, but the economy stopped all that.

• ˜ ˜Look. I ve got dozens of places to put my time. Please hurry up with this.

• ˜ ˜I know the CEO. I ve had conversations with him. This idea will fly.

In business meetings, they are the ones who always crack jokes or who project an image, as in the examples above, of having academic credibility, financial wherewithal, powerful connections, and so on. They may act as if their minds are on the matter at hand, but what they are really doing is working to draw attention to themselves .

At home, attention-seekers are less covert.

• A husband dances in front of the mirror singing to his wife, ˜ ˜I m too sexy for my shirt.

• Responding to a playful jab at a dinner gathering, the attention-seeking guest declares, ˜ ˜Aren t I funny ? I m the life of the party!

• Proud and not afraid to say it, a woman says to her man, ˜ ˜Am I not worthy of respect? Look at all the things I do to help people.

An effort to seek attention does not necessarily indicate attention-seeking behavior. When a woman touches her lover s arm and gently turns his body toward her to say, ˜ ˜I want some attention right now, she is not properly described as an attention-seeker. Nor is a person who raises his voice to be heard in a crowded room. The title of attention-seeker only applies to someone who is doing it most of the time: someone whose overall behavior is best described by their need for validation by others. While their behavior is usually harmless, it can cause problems. For instance, consider the middle manager who takes credit for ideas generated and work done by people under him. How could he possibly ask his workers to take a bow when he has a golden opportunity to take one himself? Or what about the team member who consistently interrupts the flow of dialogue with humor or personal anecdotes? Or the long-winded person who loves to hear himself speak ” especially when he has a relatively large audience?

One way or another, attention-seekers get attention, and it s not always without a cost.

Eric sought my help because he knew that underneath his regular attention-seeking efforts, something was amiss. He was a thirty-two-year-old director of consumer marketing in a Fortune 100 company. He was exceptionally bright and very easy to talk to. I was most impressed by his sincerity .

In our sessions together, Eric worked very hard to expose his habit and get to the underlying issue. In one session well into our coaching relationship, he struggled to admit something. He was embarrassed because he was revealing to me the lengths to which he would go to satisfy his need for attention.

He told me that he would occasionally approach shopkeepers and start speaking to them in a foreign language. ˜ ˜Bonjour, pourrais-je avoir . . . he would say. Then, he would stop himself and say, in English, ˜ ˜Oh, sorry. Could I have . . . Eric wanted to jar the salesperson just enough to get her to think, ˜ ˜Wow, this guy must be very smart. He was so lost in thought that he slipped. He realized that he was not speaking my language and he had to adjust. He must be a special fellow.

Eric didn t actually want to buy anything. He would ask for something he knew was not available. He told me he just wanted to be loved.

Perhaps you are thinking Eric must be an extreme example. But I suggest that there is an embarrassing fraudulence behind many attention-seeking efforts. After all, attention-seekers activities are inherently duplicitous. For instance, while they direct people s attention to something work related , such as the challenges faced in their industry, they are in effect drawing attention to themselves ”their department s stellar sales performance in spite of the challenges. Or, outside work, they might discuss the great social needs their favorite charity is meeting, while what they are really pointing out is their own involvement in charitable work. I say the fraudulence is embarrassing because when they stop and admit that something they said was actually intended to draw attention to themselves, they are humbled. They have exposed a raw vulnerability.

Eric s courage to disclose his problem to me was unusual. Attention-seekers usually hide the motives behind their hunger to be seen. Public exposure of the ulterior motive behind attention-seeking would invalidate them. They seek exposure, but not this kind of exposure. They want respect, not shame.