Partial Disclosure

Predictably, when people have a secreta secret truth or pain or fear they have to work hard to hide it. And sometimes they feel shame or guilt or just an undercurrent of angst. Believe it or not, sometimes they are not even aware of the feeling they are hiding from. But to survive with this kind of secret, they get into the habit of not saying much. ˜˜Partial disclosure becomes the norm.

There is an insidious aspect to partial disclosure. It can start with one person not being open about their vulnerability. Other people can sense when someone is not being open , and it leads to feelings of mistrust . Then the disease spreads and we have the stuff of office politics: people telling half stories, defending themselves against possible attacks from other partial disclosers. In Chapter 15 well look at how a communication style of ˜˜full exposure is the antidote not only to office politics but to fakery as well. Well see how shining the light on your reality, confident that the truth really will ˜˜set you free, relieves you of all the efforts you expend to hide your secret.

Sometimes people dont want to accept their reality because they are afraid that doing so will mean they will stop aspiring to be better. I can think of a man named Sal, who was consistently disappointed that he had never gone far enough in his career. He spent beyond his means, always revealing that he wished he had attained some higher level. I spoke to Sal about just accepting that he had achieved what he had achieved.

His response was clear: ˜˜If I accept that, I would lower myself . I would have to admit that Im in over my head. My world would collapse. Id become what I am: lazy, greedy, and selfish and, basically, a failure. I would slip into sloth. So, no.

Was Sal right? If we accept that we have failed, does that mean we become a failure? That is the question. And the answer is a clear ˜˜no. It is good to accept yourself, all your successes and strengths and your failures and weaknesses. When you do it, you relax. And then, through some eternally ironic quirk of nature, you start to achieve. What seems to happen is that the tension created by the fakery dissipates. Youre left with what you really are: somebody with a fear of failure and a hunger to achieve.

Often people tell me they have a particular message they have to give to somebody and they dont know how to say it. They ask for help. And I always say, tell the facts, all the facts.

One client, Eloise, was the leader of a large, award-winning advertising agency. She had a reputation for being creative and bright, but also for being volatile and crabby.

Eloise had a creative team reporting to her that apparently did some work that her companys client strongly disliked. She had to advise the team that their work had to be reconsidered. She was always nervous in cases like this, since creative teams are easily deflated. Unfortunately, Eloises traditional style in such situations was to sound cold and judgmental. She would tell them outright , ˜˜You guys, the client thought your work stunk. I didnt like it either. Youve missed the point. It has to be redone.

My advice to Eloise was to disclose fully. That is, dont just tell the clients story, but tell her own, the one behind her crabby remarks, as well. I asked her, ˜˜Are you reluctant to tell them youve been nervous?

˜˜Yes. ˜˜Why? ˜˜Because theyll get pissed at me for not standing up for them. ˜˜Okay, so why not tell them all that? I asked. ˜˜Why not say, ˜I feel awkward telling you this because Im afraid you will think that I didnt support you. I dont want to deflate your momentum. I also think the client has a point. The demographics dont support the approach youve taken.

This was counterintuitive to her. She explained that she didnt like to expose her own vulnerability because it showed signs of weakness.

Ah. Thats it for all of us. When we speak to people, were not inclined to expose ourselves . Instead, we hide our weaknesses in honor of our image. Full exposure means fully including our vulnerabilities in our communication. When there are no secrets, there is nothing to hide.